As parents, we face challenges every day. From sleepless nights with newborns to the chaos of toddler tantrums, we've come to expect difficulty as part of the journey. Yet, nothing quite prepares us for the overwhelming heartache of watching our child struggle. Whether they’re navigating new social situations, struggling with schoolwork, or learning to manage their own frustrations, it's far harder to watch them suffer than to go through hardship ourselves.
Every instinct in us screams to step in and make it better. To fix it. To ease their pain. As adults, we know how to solve problems—we’ve had years of practice. So, when we see our children hurting, the impulse is strong: help them, make things easier, eliminate the struggle. But as much as we want to rescue them, it's crucial to resist the urge to always step in.
Why? Because it's within those very struggles that children learn the most important lessons they will carry through life.
The Importance of Letting Them Struggle
Struggles—whether big or small—are a necessary part of growth. When children face difficulties and work through them, they are developing more than just practical skills. They’re building emotional resilience, learning how to handle frustration, and gaining the soft skills and people skills they’ll need throughout their lives.
Imagine a child working on a puzzle. It's tempting to swoop in when they become frustrated, to show them the next piece or even finish the puzzle for them. But in doing so, we deprive them of the opportunity to experience the satisfaction of figuring it out on their own. More than that, we take away the chance for them to build patience, perseverance, and problem-solving abilities—skills far more valuable than simply knowing where a puzzle piece goes.
The same is true for larger struggles. Whether your child is having trouble making friends, feeling overwhelmed by a project at school, or dealing with a conflict, stepping in to solve the issue for them may provide short-term relief, but it undermines their long-term growth. Every time they navigate a challenge on their own, they’re learning how to cope with stress, how to handle disappointments, and how to communicate their needs. These are the tools they’ll need as they grow into adulthood, where life’s challenges will only increase in complexity.
Soft Skills Matter
It’s easy to focus on the practical, measurable skills we want our children to develop—math, reading, sports. But the "soft skills" that are built during moments of struggle—empathy, communication, patience, emotional regulation—are just as critical, if not more so. These are the skills that shape their interactions with others, help them manage their own emotions, and foster healthy relationships.
When your child is navigating a conflict with a friend, for instance, it’s tempting to intervene, to offer solutions or even mediate the situation. But stepping back and allowing them to work it out helps them practice empathy, negotiation, and communication. They learn that relationships are complex, and that resolving conflict is a skill they’ll need to cultivate. In doing so, they also develop confidence in their ability to handle difficult situations.
Resisting the Urge to Take Over
As hard as it is, the greatest gift we can give our children is the chance to struggle. It’s painful, yes. It’s excruciating to watch them stumble, fall, or get hurt. But those moments of discomfort are crucial for their development.
Resisting the urge to step in doesn’t mean abandoning them to their difficulties. It means being there to support, guide, and encourage without taking control. Instead of solving their problems, we can ask guiding questions: "What do you think you could do next?" or "How could you handle this differently?" This approach teaches them to think critically and fosters independence.
In the end, parenting is about preparing our children for a life that is full of challenges. We can't shield them from everything. But we can give them the tools they need to face those challenges with confidence, resilience, and grace. Watching our children struggle may be the hardest part of parenting, but allowing them that space is one of the most powerful ways we help them grow into capable, compassionate adults.
So the next time you see your child grappling with frustration or pain, take a breath. Resist the urge to swoop in and fix it. Trust that, through the struggle, they are learning everything they need to thrive. And remind yourself that the struggle, though difficult, is a part of the journey for both of you.